Daily Whackjob

I have strange dreams. I have for quite some time. Perhaps a bit of insight into a disturbed mind. Considering that many of my dreams find me hanging out with well-known people and celebrities, a convincing argument about the ill-effects of television and radio on the subconscious could likely be made. I’ve been backstage at Hendrix concerts, played on stage with Phish. Had a drink with Andy Warhol. I’ve been asked advice from Obama. I have even gone shopping with both George Bushes.
See, strange.

So last night’s episode into the bizarre found me working with Sean Hannity. We were actually just leaving work—walking down a set of stairs with Hannity in front, appearing to try to avoid me. I had the feeling that we had a tough day and perhaps some heated debate that he was taking personally. I was attempting to smooth things over and get him to just slow down and give me a chance to to speak with him.

Conveniently, located at the bottom of the stairs was a bar, so I offered to buy him a drink. My wife was there. Oddly, she was very pregnant, and thankfully she was not drinking. At some point, flustered and pissed off, Hannity blurts out, “Fine! Okay?! Just take this. Will this make you happy?!” as he presented a roll of money, his car keys and his wallet. It was a strange reaction, and reinforced that there was a huge misunderstanding of why I was trying to speak with him. But, in having a little bit of fun with him, I accepted the unexpected items with a smile. “Gee, what an unexpected and generous gesture Sean. Thanks!” My wife and I smiled, and I pocketed the loot. Sean was shocked, realizing that his sarcastic move had backfired.

I went on enjoying my beverage a moment longer when Hannity blew up. In a flash of rage, he shoved my wife aside and grabbed at me wanting his recent gifts back. Suddenly I was angry too, and we faced off. It’s then that I noticed there were actually bathroom stalls in the bar among the tables. I said, “Fine! Here you go!” And I chucked the bank roll, wallet and keys into the nearest commode. Hannity went diving after them. I reached over, shoved his head down into the water an flushed. I Hannitized Hannity with an American Standard Swirly!

I backed away and threw my hands up in victory. I jumped up and down like Rocky. The bar erupted in celebration, then I woke from my slumber with a big smile on my face.

I tell you, the person that invents a device to record dreams for later viewing will get all of my money.