Daily Whackjob

The following is an adorable letter written by a second grader whose class Sen. Hillary Clinton recently visited on the campaign trail:

dear miss clinton

thank you for coming to our school. you came and read to us! my mom reads to me. i have a dog. his name is spot. you would like him. i also have a friend named billy. me and him play baseball sometimes and he always catches better than me so coach davids gives him the best positions. i think i deserve the best positions even though i don’t catch as well as billy. what should i do?

from: jeremy

Sen. Clinton was such a fan of this particular letter that she responded personally. Here’s the text of her reply:

Jeremy,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful letter. I’m glad you remembered my visit and hope you’re learning a lot in school! I was happy to get your question, because it’s a very good one, and you should be proud of yourself for thinking to ask it. Sometimes, there is something that we really want, and we think that we really deserve to have it.

But, sometimes, other people get it instead of us and we think it’s unfair. Just because somebody else gets something that you think you deserve, it doesn’t mean than they’re better than you. It just means that they’ve racked up an insurmountable delegate lead and a nearly-insurmountable popular vote advantage.

Jeremy, the most important thing you can remember in your situation is that you shouldn’t feel sad. You should hold your head high, keep on going, and, most importantly, destroy Billy. If Billy is hogging positions that you think you should have, he’s not your friend and must be terminated. You should tell everyone at your school that Billy wets his bed, and then come up with unsubstantiated theories about why he spent Tuesday of last week in lunch detention.

Lastly, you should spread a rumor about a strange hand disease that Billy is developing that will progressively erode his ability to catch baseballs. If you do this effectively, Coach Davids will keep Billy on the bench all season out of fear of losing. Once Billy’s position is empty, you should be able to take it over by force.

Unfortunately, I have to end this letter now, because I’m always really busy with my campaign, but I want to thank you again for writing. It’s a joy hearing from kids your age, and I hope I’ve done a good job answering your question!

All the best,

Hillary Clinton